Seeing Your Relationship Through Black + White: The Trap of an Efficient Brain
When you first get into a relationship, your brain starts gathering information about that person in order to create a cognitive schema or “mental file” where you can quickly retrieve information about what this specific person’s behavior means. This means that as you’re dating and getting to know this new person, learning about their favorite foods, family history, and personality, your brain is storing this information for you in a very summarized way.
This is an important step when meeting someone new, because your brain is trying to help you navigate the world in a more efficient way. These “mental files” allow you to sometimes be able to predict someone’s behavior, categorize what a person means to you, and recognize specific traits that are important for survival and reproduction.
However, the closer you become and the more you start to know someone, the more it can feel as if you can perfectly interpret their behavior. In couples therapy this is often called “mind reading” which is a result of your brain trying to process information as quickly as possible. This can also be detrimental to relationships and lead to miscommunication, as well as your partner feeling misheard or misunderstood, because your brain doesn’t automatically take the time to slow down and think of alternate perspectives.
When we get locked into one perspective, we don’t give ourselves or our partner a chance to communicate properly. Black and white thinking causes you to believe that there is only one outcome able to happen - which is based on what you’ve already experienced and doesn’t leave room for any other interpretations.
What Does “Black + White” Thinking Really Mean?
A common example of black-and-white thinking occurs when your partner’s behavior reflects a pattern of behavior that typically results from them being upset. If they come home from work one day and seem quieter and slow moving, you notice they aren’t laughing at your jokes like usual, or they aren’t up for doing an after dinner activity, your first interpretation might be that they’re mad at you. While this could be true, it is also true that there are a multitude of reasons for someone to come home from work and act differently than usual.
When we slow our brains down and take a second to think through alternative reasons, you might realize that some other reasons could be: work stress, family stress, your partner getting sick, being hungry, missing a family member, etc.. None of these alternative reasons have anything to do with your partner being mad at you, but because your brain is trying to process information as efficiently as possible, the first conclusion is the one that attempts to protect you from emotional “danger”, also known as a relational conflict.
If you can be prepared for a negative outcome, your brain feels more equipped to handle the “threat” even if the threat doesn’t actually exist. This could lead to your own behavior changing and cause you to act similarly to how you act when your partner is actually mad at you. You might end up being short with them, inquiring multiple times about whether they’re mad at you, or shutting down and distancing yourself. This response might lead your partner to feel annoyed or misunderstood, especially if what they actually needed was support after a hard day. Because your brain is hardwired to process information efficiently, especially information that you interact with everyday, things are often processed as “threat” or “no threat” or all good or all bad.
Essentially, black-and-white thinking is a learned pattern of thinking your brain uses to help you survive and stay safe. But it often misses the bigger picture and doesn’t allow us a chance to think through alternate perspectives for a situation.
Internal Reflection
How often do your behaviors reflect the same cause? How often do you react the same way to an emotion, no matter where the emotion stems from? There are probably patterns or consistencies to your answers, and there are also nuances. Oftentimes, we act in ways that can make our partner feel like we’re mad at them, even if it has nothing to do with them at all. If this can be true for you, it can also be true for your partner. Some good reflection questions to help slow your brain down are:
What am I assuming about the situation right now? How is this helpful? Harmful?
What other possible conclusions are there?
What do I need to do to take care of my reactions in this moment?
Can I trust my partner to tell me how they’re feeling when they’re ready?
If the answer to the last question is “no” you’re more likely to be caught up in the trap of black and white thinking because you feel like you constantly have to read between the lines. If this is the case for your relationship, you should have a conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling and how to be more open with each other.
How to Escape the Trap of “Black + White” Thinking
While the first step to change is understanding, the second piece is the actual change, which is always much harder. Now that you have a better understanding of why your brain resorts to black and white thinking in the first place, it’s time to practice thinking in the grey area. There are a few key things to keep in mind as you practice “grey area” thinking.
First, it is important to remember that two things can be true at the same time. For example, it can be true that your partner usually acts a certain way when they’re upset at you, AND it can also be true that they may be reacting to something entirely different. Second, even if you feel like you know your partner better than you know yourself, you still can’t read minds. This means that there’s no way for you to know for sure what your partner is thinking and feeling unless they tell you themselves. Lastly, put the spotlight back on yourself: is it possible that you’ve been feeling upset or insecure in the relationship lately? Are you wishing your partner would ask you what’s wrong?
When you’re able to slow down and think through the variety of possibilities, you’re much less likely to get trapped in the spiral of black and white thinking. The more you practice, the more control you’ll start to have over your reactions and conclusions!
Resources
The High Conflict Couple by Alan E. Fruzzeti
Cognitive Schemas, Attachment Styles and Emotional Intelligence by Elena-Morena Scarlat
All material provided on this website is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or problems. Use of this website in no way constitutes professional service or advice.
