How to Set Boundaries as a Couple: Holiday Edition

Have you ever had a conversation with your partner about having more firm expectations with their family or your family? Have you ever felt like you and your partner can’t start your own holiday traditions because someone’s extended family monopolizes the holidays? This article can help you learn how to start setting boundaries and reinforcing them to strengthen your relationships and cultivate peace during the holiday season. 

With the holidays approaching, we often start to think about what dish we’re going to bring to Thanksgiving dinner or what gifts we’re going to get our loved ones. Another, equally important topic to think through is boundary setting with family members. It is important to define and discuss your boundaries with your partner before the holidays in order to clearly communicate them. Boundaries can look different depending on your relationships with family and your level of comfortability.

What are Boundaries? 

Boundaries are explicit, well-defined requests that communicate what a person will or will not tolerate in a relationship. Boundaries can change throughout the course of a relationship depending on things such as developmental factors, family expansion, and other life changes. A boundary is often thought of as a way to distance or block people from one’s life, but most boundaries actually serve to strengthen relationships. When someone sets a boundary that is respected, this can strengthen the trust in the relationship. An example of a boundary could be forbidding name calling or yelling between you and your partner, but it can also look like requesting that your in-laws maintain the sleep schedule you have for your baby. During the holidays, boundaries might be a necessary tool to prevent conflict between you and your partner, your family, or their family. In order to communicate your boundaries, you and your partner need to have a clear idea of what your boundaries are. Below is a chart that lays out examples of how to turn your desires into boundaries:

There are many other examples of boundaries during the holiday season, but these are just a few common boundaries that might come up. Depending on your comfort level with setting boundaries, you can choose the direct route or lean more into deflection. It is important to communicate with your partner ahead of time to figure out what boundaries you both want to set with family members. While you both should be on the same page with what boundaries you want to set, it is also important to note that the person in charge of communicating the boundary depends on whose family it is. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t allowed or shouldn’t communicate a boundary with your partner’s family if you feel comfortable, but if your partner’s family is violating a boundary, it is your partner’s responsibility to communicate.

How to Reinforce a Boundary

Maybe you’ve tried clearly stating your boundaries with family members, yet they continue to violate them. If this is the case, it’s time to start reinforcing your boundaries. The first thing to know about reinforcing boundaries is that it’s not about controlling another person’s behavior. Reinforcing your boundaries requires you to take control of your behavior in a way that lets the other person know you won’t tolerate their violation of your boundaries. This might require you to remove yourself from the situation, refrain from engaging in conversation with someone, or limiting the access a person has to you and your life. Using the same examples as above, here are some ways you can reinforce your boundaries this holiday season:

As you look at the chart above, you might notice a lot of reinforcement requires you to leave or remove yourself from situations. This can be difficult and feel uncomfortable at times, which is why having the support from your partner is so important. It is also helpful to remember that the reason you’re reinforcing these boundaries is for the overall health of your relationship with your family members. Emotional safety and trust are strengthened when boundaries are respected. Reinforcing a boundary should only happen after you’ve clearly communicated what your boundaries are, and you can decide how many chances you want to give a person to respect that boundary before you start reinforcing it. You and your partner should discuss when reinforcement will be used and what type you’re both comfortable with in order to effectively support each other. Boundary setting takes practice, and you might struggle at first, but the more you and your partner work together to maintain and set boundaries, the easier it will become!

Resources

For more tools around communicating your boundaries, you can check out these DBT Tools

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