Understanding the Relationship Between Parts Work and Attachment and How to Heal Your Wounded Parts
What is Parts work?
You may have heard the words “parts work” thrown around by therapists or on social media, but never truly understood its purpose. Parts work is a theory that believes we have multiple parts within us that aim to protect against difficult emotions. These “parts” of us develop throughout our entire lives, often beginning in childhood. Each “part” takes on a role depending on the experience it was shaped by, either deflecting emotions through control, avoidance, or destructive behaviors. An example of this could be a part that develops after significant rejection, either from a parent, a friend, or romantic partner. This “part” develops to fear rejection, and will then want to act in ways to avoid rejection, which can look like avoiding relationships, overcompensating and only valuing another person’s needs, or becoming the rejector. These are just some ways a “part” might develop, but there are many other behaviors that serve to protect against rejection. The goal of parts work is to meld all these parts into one “true self” and create a secure relationship with emotions that does not rely on maladaptive behaviors.
What is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is a concept that begins 8 months after birth and continues throughout our entire lives. There are four types of attachment: secure, avoidant, anxious, or anxious-avoidant (also called disorganized). Attachment type develops based on the ability of a caretaker to meet your needs as a child. If adequately met, babies will develop a secure attachment, which often results in high self-esteem, positive or realistic beliefs about relationships, and more positive narratives around their childhood. If needs are inconsistently or intermittently met, babies will develop one of the three insecure attachments: anxious, avoidant, or anxious-avoidant. So, how does something we develop as babies impact our adult relationships?
Attachment Theory within Parts Work
Attachment is dynamic which means it can change based on the experiences we have with close loved ones, also called attachment figures. This means we can have multiple types of attachment styles depending on the relationship. We can also have multiple “parts” depending on our experiences. Our attachment style might dictate how these “parts” react and the behaviors they might develop. Our caregivers creates a baseline attachment, which influences our preconceived beliefs about other relationships and emotional experiences. Someone with a secure attachment might experience an emotion like abandonment and not develop any “parts” at all, because they have the resources to manage their emotions effectively. Someone with an insecure attachment will develop “parts” that aim to avoid rejection in whatever way possible, often leading to the creation of harmful strategies that often cause problems in relationships. Parts work names that all “parts” are protective and are not intending to cause harm, which is also how insecure attachment forms. Avoidant, self-sabotaging, and self-minimizing behaviors are all indicative of protective “parts” and an insecure attachment.
How is Self-Sabotaging Protective?
Insecure attachment can often leave people with deep rooted beliefs about relationships and the consistency of people. People with an anxious attachment often believe that they will always end up being abandoned. This can result in a tendency to cling onto relationships and sacrifice their own needs to prevent someone from leaving. They may also have low self-esteem and believe that being abandoned is directly tied to their self-worth. They may develop “parts” that embody perfectionism and people-pleasing tendencies. For people with anxious attachment, putting their own needs aside and holding themselves to an impossible standard feels more comfortable than the possibility of being abandoned. Similarly, people with avoidant attachment often believe that they are the only ones capable of meeting their own needs, which causes them to create distance in their relationships to prevent feeling out of control. Someone with avoidant attachment may develops “parts” that embody aloofness and emotional avoidance with the goal of avoiding disappointment or loneliness. People with anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment may oscillate between the behaviors of avoidant and anxious attachment, because they want to belong but believe they’ll end up getting hurt if they get too close. This might result in “parts” developing that result in addictive or physically harmful behaviors, such as eating disorders, alcohol abuse, or drug abuse. While all of these types of “parts” can develop with any attachment style, your baseline attachment informs which types of “parts” might need to be tended to first.
Is Healing Possible?
Yes! Healing your wounded “parts” and your attachment style is possible. By identifying the narratives that contribute to your beliefs about relationships and learning how to rewrite them, you can start to build a secure attachment and slowly uncover the “parts” of yourself that maintain those harmful narratives. Learning how to trust yourself, letting go of control, and making space for more than just black and white outcomes, are all part of healing. While this takes emotional work and commitment, a secure relationship with yourself and others is worth the work. Therapy is a great place to start this work and a trained therapist can help guide you through the healing process. Here at Suede, our therapists are relationally trained and ready to help you start to heal.
Resources
If you would like to learn more about attachment styles and discover what your attachment style is, The Attachment Project is a great website that offers more information and a free attachment quiz.
