Being Your Own Secure Attachment: Self-Love Beyond Valentine’s Day
Every February, Valentine’s Day arrives with a very loud message: love is something you
find outside yourself. Scroll through social media, walk through a grocery store, or turn
on the TV, and you’ll see couples, roses, declarations, and the subtle (or not-so-subtle)
suggestion that being partnered is the ultimate marker of worth, happiness, and
emotional security.
For many people, this brings pressure rather than joy. It can stir up feelings of
loneliness, grief, comparison, or that you are somehow behind. Even those in
relationships may feel the weight of expectation, to be chosen, adored, prioritized, and
emotionally completed by another person. When love is framed this way, it’s easy to
internalize the belief that self-esteem and security are conditional: I’ll feel whole
when I find the right person.
Social media intensifies this narrative while simultaneously promoting another extreme:
hyper-independence. We are often told to either merge completely with romantic love or
to need no one at all. Both messages miss the mark. They leave little room for
interdependence, vulnerability, and the truth that humans are wired for both connection
and autonomy.
If Valentine’s Day leaves you feeling overwhelmed, lonely, or convinced that you
“should” be in a relationship, there is nothing wrong with you. These feelings are
understandable responses to a culture that equates romantic attachment with personal
value. What often gets lost is a crucial truth: the most important secure attachment you
will ever build is the one you have with yourself.
This is where Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, offers
a powerful and compassionate framework. IFS is based on the idea that we are not made
up of a single, fixed personality, but rather multiple “parts” shaped by our experiences,
relationships, and survival needs. These parts are not flaws; they are intelligent
responses to the world we have lived in.
In IFS, we often talk about three categories of parts. Protectors work to prevent
emotional pain through strategies like perfectionism, people-pleasing, avoidance, or
control. Firefighters step in when pain breaks through, using reactive behaviors such as
numbing, distraction, or impulsivity. Exiles are the younger, wounded parts that carry
feelings of shame, fear, abandonment, or unworthiness, often rooted in early attachment
experiences.
Around Valentine’s Day or during relationship stress, these parts can become especially
activated. A protector may insist you need a partner to be okay. A firefighter might push
you to distract or disconnect from painful feelings. An exile may quietly hold the belief
that being alone means you are unlovable.
IFS reminds us, however, that these parts are not the core of who we are.
At the center of every person is what Schwartz calls the Core Self, a steady, unmovable
internal presence. The Core Self is not shaped by trauma or circumstances. It is
naturally calm, compassionate, curious, confident, courageous, creative, connected, and
clear, the “8 C’s” of Self energy. This internal anchor is what our parts look to when
things feel uncertain, even if we haven’t consciously accessed it yet.
So what does this mean for self-love, self-esteem, and secure attachment?
It means the capacity for security already exists within you. Self-love is not
something you earn by being chosen, desired, or partnered. It grows when you learn to
relate to your internal world with consistency, compassion, and trust. When you can
notice your parts without being overwhelmed by them, soothe yourself through distress,
and validate your own emotional experience, you are practicing secure attachment with
yourself.
One way I often describe healthy attachment and interdependence, especially with
couples, is through a simple metaphor. Imagine you are floating down a river in your
own inner tube. You are responsible for staying afloat and keeping yourself safe. Along
the way, you may choose to tie a rope from your tube to someone else’s as a way to
connect.
When the water gets choppy, it can be helpful to hold on more tightly, to seek
reassurance, closeness, and support. When the river is calm, it’s healthier to loosen the
slack or let go for a bit, allowing each person space to float independently. Neither is
wrong; what matters is flexibility and awareness.
The key is this: you must be able to stay afloat on your own first. When your
sense of safety depends entirely on another person, connection can shift from choice to
survival. Anchoring in your Core Self allows you to relate from security rather than fear,
need, or obligation.
The good news is this: you already have everything you need within you to be complete.
You do not need another person to fill missing pieces or make you whole. When you do
find your person, or people, they are there to complement the parts of you that already
exist, not to repair or rescue you.
This Valentine’s season, instead of asking Who will be my secure attachment? consider
asking, How can I show up as one for myself? Because when you become your own
steady anchor, every relationship you enter becomes more balanced, authentic, and
deeply connected, starting with the one you have with you.
Resources
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz PhD
Attached by By Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller
References
Internal Family Systems Institute. *What is Internal Family Systems?* IFS Institute,
[https://ifs-institute.com](https://ifs-institute.com). Accessed 10 Feb. 2026.
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