Narrative Therapy: Valentine’s Day Edition
Valentine’s Day is marketed as a holiday for people in relationships, with pressure from corporations to buy expensive gifts of jewelry, chocolate, and flowers. There are strong narratives around what a “successful” or “adequate” Valentine’s Day looks like, which can cause feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and potentially shame. These narratives can also cause fights between couples and other relationships when narratives or expectations aren’t communicated effectively. Start to identify your narratives around Valentine’s Day by using the steps below:
Think about what emotions come to the surface when you think about Valentine's Day.
Identify which emotions feel the strongest and begin to connect an emotion with a memory or thought.
Once you have identified a memory or thought, dig deeper into what that thought or memory means.
Ask yourself how that memory or thought informs your beliefs and expectations around Valentine’s Day. Your beliefs and expectations form your narratives.
Go back to step one and continue through the process until you feel you have a good understanding of your narratives around Valentine’s Day.
Once you’ve identified some of your narratives around Valentine’s Day, think about how this information can help you communicate your needs, either to yourself or to your partner(s). Think about how these narratives might inform your behavior before and after Valentine’s Day.
Individual Valentine’s Day Narratives
Sometimes, our negative narratives surrounding Valentine’s Day can signal a need for more self-love. This can look different for everybody, depending on what brings you joy. Some ways to practice acts of self-love can include the following:
Movement - walking, running, dancing, etc.
Positive self-talk
Nourishing your body with foods that give you energy or bring joy
Setting healthy boundaries in relationships
Expanding your knowledge through reading or research
Cleaning your space and resetting your living area
Taking a break from social media and screens
Sharing compliments and gratitude with people you love
Doing something that challenges your brain - a puzzle, learning a new language, etc.
Trying something new
Self-love is important to practice every day, not just on Valentine’s Day, but it can be a good place to start. Being able to give love to yourself is a huge part of being able to have a healthy and secure relationship with other people. The more energy and effort we put into ourselves, the more we can trust ourselves to handle challenging situations and rewrite our negative narratives. Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to start thinking about ways you can show yourself love, and the perfect time to start building a more secure relationship with yourself.
Relational Valentine’s Day Narratives
Our negative narratives around Valentine’s Day can also signal a need for more explicit communication. Oftentimes, people have expectations around what they want their partner to do or plan for Valentine’s Day, without realizing their desires or communicating them. Identifying your narratives around Valentine’s Day can help you determine what needs to be explicitly communicated. It’s hard to remember that even if your partner knows you and loves you, they can’t read your mind, which means it’s important to have conversations around expectations for Valentine’s Day. Some examples of how to clearly communicate are as follows:
“I really appreciate it when you plan special dates. Can you/we plan something for Valentine’s Day?”
“I feel really loved and seen when you get me gifts on Valentine’s Day.”
“Valentine’s Day is a hard day for me, so I’m going to need some extra love and attention.”
“I want this Valentine’s Day to be focused on our connection and how much we’ve grown this year. Let’s celebrate by spending intentional time with each other.”
“I feel most connected with you when we ____. Can we plan on making that a priority this Valentine’s Day?”
These are just a few examples, but you can use your narratives to guide your communication in a clear, direct way. While Valentine’s Day narratives are a good place to start, you can use this formula to dive deeper into your beliefs within your relationships. Therapy is always a good place to explore these narratives in a deeper and safer way, either individually or within your relationship. The more you practice investigating and becoming aware of your narratives, the easier it becomes to communicate effectively and meet your own individual needs.
All material provided on this website is for informational purposes only. Direct consultation of a qualified provider should be sought for any specific questions or problems. Use of this website in no way constitutes professional service or advice.
